The Strength of Others
On Comparing Ourselves with Others and the Identity Crisis this Creates
Remember when we were young and so easily flustered by the superior performance of someone else, the days when anyone with more athletic or academic prowess made us feel diminished, less than? And this of course extended to what others possessed, a friend's house, their parents expensive car, their season tickets, the caliber of vacations they were able to take? Wait, maybe that wasn't so long ago.
For many of us, that feeling of inadequacy never fully departs. We just focus it on different things as the seasons of our life change - education, work and professional achievement, the number of friends we have, how influencial our aquaintances may be, the number of individuals we go to bed with, or the perceived social status of the very same, the size of our online audience. We are constantly measuring ourselves against other people, and against the ever-shifting standards of society.
Jealousy, envy, covetousness, we're no stranger to these. For most of us, right up until the time we throw off our present skin and leave the earth for good we navigate these feelings each day to one degree or another. We are frail and afraid, even the best among us, and we spend great sums of energy trying to negotiate our way into places and positions we hope will solidify a better identity for us. The funny thing is, whenever we get there, it's never enough.
“If left untended, [repressed inadequacy] will carve away at the substance within that makes up the core of our being.”
On its own, our predilection for envy and self-loathing wouldn't be so harmful if it took shape as little more than internal dialogues, or occasional bouts of passive-aggression. But the myriad effects that result can open the door to chaos, leading us through the hallways of self-medication and addiction, relational strife, unsound financial choices, even violence.
Our war with repressed inadequacy, one we often don't know how to fight effectively, strikes directly at our personal value, which is to say, our place in the world. If left untended, this state of mind can carve away the substance within that makes up the core of our being, the place where we accumulate worth and meaning, where we develop our soul's higher calling.
The questions that arise from our discontent and our jealousy are existential ones, and they are not readily answered by a few more dollars or a few more rewards. It isn't that more of these is a bad thing. We should desire to grow as individuals, expand our wealth, our connections and influence, if indeed that influence is good, and just, and loving. Yet, every temporal thing we exalt in our own hearts should remain subservient to the sense of inherent and unchangeable value that existst in each one of us, that which runs deeper, and apart from all that can be stolen, destroyed, or undone by decay and the shifting opinions of others.
Not having something is not a bad thing. It's an inevitability. Not being where we desire to be in several areas is merely human. A clear realization of what we don't have is the right place to begin our search for the next phase of life, the beginning of the work we need to do to shift certain areas from scarcity toward abundance. This is true for all worthwhile pursuits, those that more directly affect the material world and our state within, and those that govern the spiritual nature of our existence. We can use the revelation of our current limitations to seek a greater understanding of our uniqueness in a world full of simultaneous conformity and infinite variability.
The Only Good Comparison
The strength of others is not an attack on the strength we possess. The beauty of another, no war against our own brand of beauty. The talent or intelligence of someone else, no affront to our own intellect or ability. And the success and resources of those around us, not a critical statement of our achievements or failures. All of this is true, unless we give these anxieties power over our thought life to the extent that they re-engineer our decision-making processes.
If you compare yourself to anyone, compare only your present self with your past self. This is the quickest way to understand the places that truly need healing or refinement. This reduces the number of comparisons as well, from a near limitless supply to just one. It's also a clear path to seeing the good we've already won, which goes a long way to quieting some of our internal storms.
This kind of self-reflection, as long as it isn't used as a sword wielded by the hand of regret against our own identity, has the potential to bring parts of our internal world back into focus. And while this is not always comfortable, it keeps us honest.
On Competition
We are wired to compete. This isn't all bad as some would have you believe. Some of our competition is necessary, and even good. It reminds us to get up on time, work hard, study diligently, take risks, protect our family, build toward the future, and sharpen our character. It helps us stave off poverty, loneliness, and waste. But it can go too far. Our need to compete, if not balanced by compassion, empathy, and respect, can spiral toward self-obsession and ruthlessness.
Surprisingly, on the flip-side, it is sometimes not the most competitive among us who get choked with envy and the ever-changing rules of comparison, but the least competitive. Spend too much time avoiding friction and the inevitable pain of conflict, and our sense of purpose only wanders further off course.
“Most of what fuels our quiet hatred of others’ successes, others’ strengths and personal attributes, has more to do with not understanding who we are, than with anything else.”
This pain wears two faces. The first is the pain each of us feels knowing we're not where we long to be, the friction of our actual self rubbing up against the image of our desired or perceived self. The second is the more useful of the two, and the one we avoid even more. This is the pain which is necessary to realize any amount of significant change. It is the pain of decision and movement, and of self-discipline. And both of these avenues of pain need to be reckoned with to move forward.
No matter where we find ourselves on this spectrum - extremely competitive (which is an overclocked and misplaced value system), a complete avoidance of conflict and competition (which is the refusal to recognize a fundamental aspect of reality), or somewhere in between, navigating our way through, instead of around, this difficult terrain, is worth every ounce of our efforts.
The Work
It's no secret that we want what we don't currently possess. We desire to be what we don't presently embody. And if we don't have enough wisdom and gratitude, we begin to see this difference between ourselves and others as an unfair and unforgivable deficit.
Most of what fuels our quiet hatred of others' successes, others' strengths and personal attributes, has more to do with not understanding who we are, than with anything else. If we haven't done at least a measure of the psychological and spiritual work that it takes to move through certain deeper pains and disappointments, and to uncover not only what we value but a grasp on why we value them, we will continue to stumble around in the dark, despising the light of others.
Another stumbling block is that self-hatred and a poor understanding of one's own worth has a way of over-sensitizing us to the strengths of others. In loathing we want to hide in the shadows for fear of being seen as we really are. And the more light someone gives off, even if that light is being used to strengthen or build us up, is painful.
The gorgeous thing about our differences, both the ones that came by birth and those we acquire by intellection, imagination, and diligence, is that these same variables, these stark and subtle contrasts, can serve not as lights to blind one another, but to help guide others toward greater levels of their own success, should they choose to welcome the work involved and the increased vulnerability inherent in that journey.
A Way Forward
Our myriad differences afford us, daily, the opportunity to serve others even as we serve our own needs, to encourage, mentor, teach and partner with others for their growth and freedom, even as we widen the boundaries of our own existence. This happens when we choose actions based upon selflessness and abundance instead of narcissism and scarcity.
With a better value structure in our lives, our understanding of reality and our place within it will shift from the solipsistic to the holistic, from bitterness toward gratitude, and from nervous comparisons to decisiveness and self-discipline.
Material abundance and achievement through honesty, creativity, and right action definitely matter. Ignore these, and you're likely to end up in places you wouldn't wish on an enemy. But they will, at last, be set in their rightful place, alongside but below our pursuit of wisdom, faith, loyalty, and friendship, things that are neither destroyed by time and rust, nor by the mad ravings of society.