The Big Talk

A Better Way to Navigate Instruction, Critique, Management, and Mentorship

"We need to talk," four words no one ever wants to hear, especially in relationships where they tend to signal the beginning of the end. In business, though, or in coaching, guidance, and artistic or professional analysis, they can simply signal a needed conversation to rethink how things have been going.

It would be good to start with this; don't ever begin with that phrase, especially when you leave a gap between this declaration and the actual conversation. It's a terrible idea. It makes us look aggressive, superior, and threatening, and leaves those on the receiving end, feeling anxious, worried about their future, and entirely focused on the wrong things. So, what are the right things? For any exchange between someone in authority and the one they are leading, the goal should be growth, maturity, strength, and clarity. These begin with understanding. And understanding begins with listening.

“One thing that always troubles me, no matter what type of situation or social and professional arrangement exists, is an attitude that forgoes understanding in favor of immediate compliance.”

As a leader, it's easy and in many ways, natural, to assume you understand what the problem is, why a certain process isn't working, more specifically, why a certain individual isn't working out the way you'd hoped. After all, you worked hard to make it to where you are today, and you possess a wealth of knowledge and a range of skills that afford you a vantage point from which you can speak with some authority. While much of this is true, it doesn't guarantee that you have the right perspective for every situation, or a clear vision of everything taking place at all levels of your organization or community.

One thing that always troubles me, no matter what type of situation or social and professional arrangement exists, is an attitude that forgoes understanding in favor of immediate compliance. I'm sure you've spotted or experienced this countless times, that scenario when someone who is given authority to critque the work of others, barrels over the existing work by assuming immediately that the entire thing is flawed and inferior, that their job isn't so much to provide guidance and redirection, but an over-anxious red pen and an impenetrable authority.

Whenever it falls to you to initiate these often difficult conversations for the purposes of correction and guidance, try first assuming you don't necessarily have the exact answer, that you have some of what's needed, even a lot of it, but never all.

Assume that you require a greater level of understanding before you can put together your plan. Go in with the mindset that some of what's being done is right and good, that despite obvious flaws and errors, and even misguided thinking, some decisions have led to positive consequences.

This isn't simply to make those on the receiving end feel better. Though, quieting anxieties is a good beginning for any teaching opportunity. What it's really about is putting you in a place of openness, positivity, creativity, and innovation. Knowing that we have a chance to search for solutions together relieves us of the need to have all the answers right away, which we never do. And this interactive approach gives those we lead, the invitation they need to take a more decisive role in their own development.

Get to know this individual, their perspective, and their experience with your organization or with you as a trainer. Ask them what they believe they are doing well and what they think they can improve. It's likely they're already painfully aware of their mistakes, or at least that something about their approach isn't working. See if they can pin it down first. This will give them agency in the change process. It allows for a certain autonomy and ownership in the problem, which empowers individuals to make changes based upon a willful personal responsibility, instead of the weight of command.

In the end, isn't that what we want from those we work with, mentor, or create with, a greater level of self-sufficiency, confidence, and accomplishment? We train now so that we don't have to train as much later. We teach so that they might one day be able to teach others.

This is tragically not the case in many organizations. When I was still managing photography studios years ago, I had a district manager who seemed to personify this problem to an absurd, almost comical degree. He'd always been heavy-handed, self-serious, perpetually angry, very inside-the-box, but this topped it all.

Once, when he was visiting our studio, he witnessed me in the middle of training one of my employees. I've always believed that leading others is about empowering them to one day become leaders. And if they don't want to lead, to at least grow beyond what they are today. So, I made a habit of choosing one individual per week for whom I would teach a small part of my job. Whether it be scheduling, training others, higher sales or photographic techniques, better communication strategies, customer interractions, leading a team, back-end systems practices, and other management activities, it was time well-spent, and something each of them came to value and ask for. They wanted to grow and experience upward momentum. And what a joy this is, to have team members eager to learn and move.

My district manager was incensed, furious. He pulled me aside and demanded I cease teaching my team this way. I thought I was listening to an over-wrought villain from a dystopian film. "It's not your job to train them how to grow beyond their position, only to teach them what they need to know to do their job and no more. Only train them on their exact tasks and don't expand on them. They don't need to learn any of that."

I almost laughed. In fact, I may have. If only he'd had a mustache to twist. What a tragic and narrow view of existence and our place as leaders. In essence, "Do what you can to limit their potential and their opportunity for personal and professional growth." I would usually just smile and nod as if agreeing and then go right back to training my own way once he'd left. But I'd hit my limit with him. We'd all been dealing with his aggression, his closed mind, and anti-creativity approach to our work for months by that point; and I had no patience left.

"No," I said. "I disagree with everything you just said; and I won't do that. It's our job to leave these men and women in a better place than when they first arrived. I won't set forced limits on what they can achieve." "You will do what I said," he demanded. "With complete respect," I said, "again, no. This is wrong and I won't do it." Then I walked away to work with my employees once again. He turned bright red and looked like he was ready to give birth to a semi-truck, or perhaps shank me with a crude shiv. Thankfully, he was replaced not long after this point. I guess even the company had seen enough of his madness.

While this extreme form of deliberate narrowness is probably a rarity, each of us is guilty of not using our influence to make the most of these occasions, exchanges where we can use our time and experience to initiate a transformation in someone else.

“[Organizations] are not machines. They are made up of living people, complex beings with the capacity for creative thought, ingenuity, and invention.”

It's so easy to get busy just keeping the machine grinding away, to ensure that every part is oiled and turning as it should. But as efficient as organizations sometimes are, they are not machines. They are made up of living people, complex beings with the capacity for creative thought, ingenuity, and invention. People will surprise you for the better when you give them the opportunity.

This isn't about coddling grown men and women or avoiding tough conversations about serious matters. I'm not talking about engendering others with a blind sense of accomplishment where no real achievement has occurred. Just the opposite - I'm talking about fully engaging with them, listening to their ideas and concerns, and to their evaluation of themselves. They may be off. They may not see several vulnerable areas. But this open approach allows them to voice, and consequently, own up to the areas that need the most growth. It also reveals to them that you value them not merely as a means to achieve your own goals, but as valued individuals who add more value to those around them and are worthy of your time, wisdom, and focus.

There are times when we hire talent. But there are just as many, if not more, times when we need to develop it. Some of the most capable and creative individuals across all fields, will never become the men or women they might have become because those around them continually assume the least, and refuse to challenge and inspire them toward a more expansive version of life.

Of course, it is always ultimately our own responsibility to make of our life what we will. But for many of us, the unique encouragement and voice of a good leader can awaken something profound in us. It can be the spark for the fire that burns away our weaknesses and illuminates our blindspots.

They can be a cayalyst for significant redirection. Even some of what seem the most insignificant lessons can stay with a person for years, eventually expanding outward as they apply these same principles to wider concepts and matters of greater consequence. Some of the quietest interactions and subtlest of lessons have stayed close to me for decades.

When seeking to guide and mentor others, consider these steps:

Don't Fake It

Take a genuine interest in the lives, ideas, and choices of those who work for and with you. People know when you’re not being genuine.

Listen...Then Listen Some More

It is one of the foundations of good communication. We often fail not because of what we don't say right, but because we're ignorant of the truth. Better listening helps to minimize this issue.

Recognize what They're Doing Right, Before You Get to What's Wrong

Before taking the red pen to everything, survey the entire scene. Take stock in what's going well and where your team member's choices have led to positive outcomes. Let them know this and point out specifics so they can see their influence.

Give Them the Opportunity to Tell You What they Believe they Need to Improve

They may already know what's going on, and just not know how to fix it. This allows them greater ownership in their development.

Ask Them What They Think You Could Do to Better Equip Them for Success

This may be a bit uncomfortable, especially if you're not used to being vulnerable as a leader. But they will sometimes have ideas and perspectives that you just won't see in your position.

Take Their Thoughts and Suggestions Seriously

This is fairly straightforward. Don't just listen, nod, and move on. Take these ideas away with you and think on them seriously over the next few days and weeks. Jot down notes when they come to you and discuss the good ideas with other key decision makers.

Invite Them Into a Space Where They Feel More a Part of the Organization

Ultimately, you should want your people to take ownership in their decisions and play a vital part in achieving the company's objectives and vision. Look for occasions when you can include them in activities or responsibilities that are a bit above where they're currently at. This will give them confidence to push higher, think on their feet, increase their learning speed, and master new skills.

Also, for the right individuals, let them in on certain meetings or conversations. They may surprise you with their insight. This choice will afford them a greater sense of belonging and involvement. This in turn, cycles back around to inspiring even greater levels of personal drive within them.

Develop a Long-term Strategy

Have several conversations over time, where you ask them where they would like to be in several months, in a year, in two years, five years and so on. Discuss steps to move toward these goals together and make a clear plan.

Ask Them What Skills They Would Like to Learn

Present opportunities for further training to develop new skills or sharpen existing ones. Consider enrolling and paying for online training, single day or multi-day courses, or certificates offered by universities and other training organizations. Also, consider pairing them with experienced members of your team to be mentored at a higher level.

Recognize Achievement but Treat Them as Adults

No trophies just for showing up. This isn't kindergarten. Encourage real growth and accomplishment not merely the idea of it or the passing feeling that rewards bring. When you witness substantial areas of improvement or long-term consistency, look for ways to reward these with bonuses, extra vacation days, free meals, tickets to events, and more.

Lead; Don't just Manage

Managers maintain processes and people. Good managers help people master their position. Great managers understand they are leaders and work to guide individuals to places they hadn't previously imagined for themselves.

Take Ideas from Every Person and Every Corner of Your Organization

Of course, a lot of these ideas won't be that good. But the rare gems will occasionally surface, ideas that can have an effect on the way you do business, present your brand, or communicate with customers. It also helps your staff feel valued and want to be a key part of what you're working to accomplish instead of just ticking away the hours each day.

Compensate Well for Good Work

This one speaks for itself. Don't lose a great person because you're too stubborn to pay them what they're worth. If they're confident enough to look elsewhere, they've got the strength you need to keep around you. If they aren't confident enough to ask for proper pay, then you haven't worked enough to develop that confidence in them.

Don't Keep Stubborn and Blindly Defiant Talent

Spend time on those who want to learn, even if they aren't as gifted or experienced. This will pay off several fold for you and for them. Better to have a bit less talent but miles of eagerness and drive than a mountain of talent and a wicked demeanor and poor habits.

Let Go of Those Who Outright Refuse to Learn

Try to develop them first. But if they repeatedly show themselves to be arrogant, self-involved, and disrespectful, move on. There are enough people out there willing and wanting to learn and expand.

Look at Every Conversation as an Opportunity for Mentorship, not just Correction

Some lessons are learned quickly. It's not always about spending weeks or months in heavy training sessions. Just be present, even in the smaller moments you have with them.

Focus; don't be distracted or fielding a bunch of other matters. Take a few minutes to listen. Demonstrate what you want to teach. Have them do it. Then discuss the process and any questions they may have.

In Closing

Each of us has a great deal more inside than others understand or give us credit for. We are capable of so much that we never allow ourselves to take on. As leaders, we have the opportunity and really, the calling, to awaken these places of personal revelation and potential within those we live, work, and create with.

Do we settle into familiar patterns, do business as usual, and support an environment of blind repetition, minimal effort and little excitement? Or do we live and lead in a way that rattles others from their weariness, their despair and complacency, to take on new challenges, put away immaturity and self-defeating habits, and see their life from a far more panoramic vantagepoint?