Voices

Bad Advice, Mixed Intentions, and the Value of Discernment

Our days and nights are filled with a multitude of voices. No, I’m not referring to the ones in your head. Though it may be a good idea to get that checked out. I’m talking about the opinions of others, the frequent and often unsolicited helpings of advice that move in and out of our lives, competing for space, for dominance, for the right to influence our viewpoint and redirect our path. 

In centuries past we only needed to remain aware of and build a discernment for a handful of voices, since many of us lived more family-centered and agrarian lives. But with our growing dependence on technology, our umbilical cord to media, and our addiction to constant and immediate virtual connection, the number of potential voices in our lives has increased exponentially. 

We have access to an immense storehouse of information, but an equal if not greater level of idiocy and bad advice. Each of us has had or still has a few individuals in our wider circle who seem to lack a sense of reason and creativity, those who avoid healthy ambition or risk-taking, and whose mindset almost always defaults to whatever choice leads them to the least amount of responsibility or change. You know the one, that person who might be fine to hang out or shoot the breeze with, but who seems to have an aversion to pressing the walls of life out a bit further or putting forth any real effort into something new. 

Whenever you bring up an idea to them, something you’re serious about taking on, like learning a musical instrument or a new language, leaving your job for a better one, moving to a different environment, investing, taking a long trip, or starting your own business, they have nothing but baseless skepticism and blind critique at best, and vitriol at worst. What often gets passed around as friendly advice is really something quite different when you pull back the curtain. Here are some common examples, along with the likely true intentions behind each one. 

What they say: “No, that business won’t work. Remember so and so tried something like that - and look how that played out.” or “People are already doing that. They’ve already got the market cornered and it’ll take a lot just to find customers. Stick with what you know.”

True meaning: I’m too scared to put my ideas on the line, and too lazy to even try. I don’t want to see you succeed either because watching a friend find success is hard to swallow. 

What they say: “Oh, don’t invest in that. You’re going to lose your money. It’s just a stupid scam.”

True meaning: I’m too risk averse to try growing my own wealth and making it work for me. I’d rather just sit on it and hope it magically and inexplicably blooms someday. 

What they say: “You shouldn’t try dating her (or him); she’s/he’s clearly beyond reach and probably a total crap human being anyway. I mean, people like that are always assholes.”

True meaning: I have horrible self-esteem issues but I enjoy judging and critiquing everyone else. So, don’t try that because you might succeed and actually find happiness - which I’ll despise you for. 

What they say: “Nah, better to stay where you’re at. You’ve built this job up for a while and you don’t want to mess that up. You may not like it that much, but at least you don’t have to start over. And you’ve got those benefits now.”

True meaning: I value comfort over growth and predictability over adventure. Plus, if you leave and it works out, I’ll be envious toward you and feel terrible about my indecision and lack of agency.

What they say: “Oh, yeah that product won’t find an audience and some company will just steal your idea anyway.” 

True meaning: Big ideas and the risks involved in them scare me to death. Most things in life don’t work out the way we want them to; so why even try?

Frequently, it’s more subtle than this, the advice and opinions bolstered by peripheral encouragement and veiled by the sheen of best intentions. Often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it to those we love. But there are times in life when the thought of someone close to us realizing some new level of growth or fulfillment just rubs salt in all the wounds we didn’t know were still open, all the places we wish were stronger, more disciplined, and better equipped to handle the rigors of a larger and bolder existence. In response, both our mind and heart begin spewing critique and doubt and negativity from every disappointed, lonely, bitter, mournful, and traumatized place inside. 

It’s not wrong to speak from these places of pain. We need to externalize them in healthy ways if we are going to heal and continue to grow up. But we should never gather the ingredients for the advice we give to others from these corners. These regions of our psyche are inherently skewed in their convictions, consistently ill-informed, and fueled by a childish mentality instead of a childlike curiosity.  

We have a limited amount of time here, a finite window of opportunity to not only accomplish a great many things, but make a difference in the lives of others. Allowing ourselves to either influence others with our own less than noble intentions, or be influenced by those who don’t have our well-being in mind, is a fast way to grind up a lot of time and have little to show for it. 

It’s important to understand that I am not championing a life of blind risk and ill-conceived decision-making. A well-considered life is a meaningful and useful one. We should, each of us, do all we can to access every ounce of wisdom, experience, analysis, and perception at our disposal to navigate a potential decision. 

But we will never understand it completely. And there is no way to plan for every contingency. In life, the potential for variability increases as we move further into something. Most of us would also do well to listen more than we do, to consider the thoughtfulness of others who have taken time to consider our situation. 

This, however, is not what I’m hinting at. Visibly, audibly, there is only a fine line between helpful advice and expertly-veiled, life-stealing negativity. But invisibly, and in practice, there is a canyon between the two. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it to one another, especially since our discouraging commentary partially comes from a place of affection and the desire to not lose something good. 

Still, you’ve got to consider the mindset and ultimate intentions of who it is you’re listening to. Do they want you to flourish, or do they long only to preserve the status quo for the sake of immediate comfort and a prolonged sense of equilibrium? 

Of course, there is no way to read another’s mind. But most of us, if we stop to really listen to what someone is saying, instead of just waiting to talk, we can pick up on all the subtle clues to their unconscious yearnings. It isn’t wrong to want to hold onto good things, especially when friendship, connection, and positive relationships are involved. We get precious few of these blessings in life and the thought of things changing can terrify us.

It is also true that those who love us frequently give us bad advice born from good intentions. We can do the wrong thing for the right reasons. We may simply long to protect a friend from potential harm or disappointment. We may have experienced failure or loss in a similar area and wish to shield them from the same. 

This shows love. But it also reveals a diminished form of it, the kind of love that values the static over the dynamic, the kind of love that longs to preserve everything already built but not attempt to build much of anything new. And change is unavoidable. Each of us must, in several ways, adapt, grow, and mature. And if we really love those we claim to, our love must also mature.   

All decision-making involves an abundance of the unknown and of risk. All choices will cost us something. We do our best to navigate these mysteries and build a better life over time. Be careful you aren’t protecting yourself out of opportunity. Be equally aware that you aren’t attempting to reshape someone else’s thoughts and choices simply because their growth makes you feel more stuck and their happiness makes you feel more unfulfilled.

It’s a very human thing to feel this way, and forgivable. But we are meant to carry, process, and ultimately integrate (digest) these thoughts and feelings ourselves (with a bit of help from those we love and trust). We’ve got to avoid hurling the burden of our potential happiness on someone else’s back. Equally, we must treat their vulnerability with respect, and avoid saying things that will limit what they might discover or become. 

It is tragic how often we make decisions from a place of fear and offer advice from a place of envy and an attempt to control. It is equally tragic how readily we accept bad advice. This usually happens because we prefer the path of least effort, even if we know its rewards are diminished.

As a quick example, consider basic nutrition habits. For many, if you show them hundreds of detailed reports on the scientifically-verified benefits of consuming more fruits and vegetables and other whole foods, they’ll answer with…”Yeah, sounds interesting, but I’ll need to look into it some more.” While the same individual, upon reading one corporate, brand-sponsored study recommending a steady diet of bacon, vodka, and french fries, will jump in right away, declaring they have all the evidence they need. Sixty years ago, doctors would appear in cigarette commercials. We love it when people tell us our own bad habits are good for us. 

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t push friends away and “clean out” your contact circle as some influencers and self-help gurus might urge, even when these individuals consistently give you poor or self-centered advice. These loved ones do have other great qualities. You just need to understand when and in which areas their commentary is worthwhile and when it isn’t worth accepting. 

I’m on the side of creativity and exploration. So, if you have an idea, a passion, a mission, a change that might lead to something good, I say go for it. Those who truly want the best for you will support your endeavor and still bring wisdom and correction exactly when it’s needed. 

The voices will never cease. Opinions will never stop knocking at the door, hoping to gain real estate in our private world. The key is to develop a higher level of discernment so we can weigh the value of each. This will allow us to make choices based on the desire to cultivate abundance, imagination, and generosity instead of defaulting to the ever-present and always shouting scarcity, sterility, and selfishness. 

Remember, love and friendship are about choosing the highest good for someone else, whether it makes us comfortable or not. We need to grow past our obsession with personal comfort and grow into a mindset that puts our long-term well-being ahead of our own immediate pleasure, and puts the growth and fulfillment of others ahead of our desire to keep that person the same as we’ve always known them.